Why Do We Write About Depression But We Don't Talk About It

ART VS REAL LIFE

As artists, creatives, visual thinkers, whatever you wanna call it. We are people who use our work to convey the emotions we feel or want others to feel. We, for the most part, wear our hearts on our sleeves. Whenever something happens positive or negative in our lives or to the ones around us. We turn to story telling to release what we are feeling inside. We used art as a mask or disguise to tell these stories ambiguously. I’ve always enjoyed this mask and separation. I didn’t think it was an issue to show off your happy and positive life but the work that was created was filled with stories of loss, heartbreak and death. It seemed at first like a happy balance. You just didn’t talk about the dark thoughts and weight on your shoulders in your real life, you used your art for that. In the last 12 months I’ve started to have mixed feelings on this. Why is it that my friends or peers that face anxiety, adversity, depression, suicidal thoughts don’t talk about it? They make films about it. Which I agree is a great start but what if that film is a cry for help and no one gets the message? It’s just art right? We don’t have to look so deep into a “fabricated” story, right?

THE PAST 12 MONTHS

About 4 years ago I had what I would assume was an anxiety attack. I was in my hotel room in midtown manhattan and had a shoot the next day. For some reason I got overwhelmed and just started to freak out. I thought I was going to die. I never felt this kind of feeling before. It was as if I was being held underwater and I couldn’t move, I was being descended into the depths of my emotions and locked in it.

Since that episode it started to occur every few months on and off. It was just nerves right? I didn’t think much of it.

In 2019 the untreated anxiety I felt had now transformed into depression. I had done nothing to fix this. I would wake up some days and wonder if life was even worth it. If my life was truly as meaningful as I once thought. To counter these emotions I would write, pray, and make small films that helped me release this pain. But, as I soon realized, this wasn’t enough. This creative "method” was just a quick painkiller and a mask for a more serious issue. I left LA and moved to NYC thinking that my environment was the cause of it. A year after living here the same issues came up. The same crippling depression and anxiety. So what did I do this time? I wrote, prayed and made small films to release the pain. The same failed recipe for disaster I tried to do before. Something needed to change.

THE HIDDEN DISEASE

As I tried to find some sort of answer to self diagnose and self medicate myself back to “normal” I would meet with friends and talk with them about these feelings and how I was attempting to get back on track. To my disbelief almost everyone I met with felt these same feelings, some were even medicated or meeting weekly with a therapist for either depression or anxiety. I couldn’t believe it, these were close friends who always were shining with a strong light whenever I was around them. They made films or commercials about never giving up and striving for happiness. Meanwhile, they were dead inside. They were holding on by just a thread. The energy keeping them up was by the work they made. What if like now the work wasn’t present? What if they didn’t have that, would they just end it all? The artist life is a weird balance because most times we tend to live through our work. The visuals and message in our work becomes who we are. It’s no longer work, it’s a piece of us. So if the work isn’t present, what are we? Empty vessels? If we only talk about our mental health through our work and it isn’t there, how can we release it?

PROPER DOSE

In this past year I’ve dealt with the worst anxiety and depression I’ve ever felt. The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t find the trigger for it, which made it even more scary. I felt lost, alone and afraid. I had the same feeling of being submerged underwater and I couldn’t find the release to get above water. So I just drowned, over and over and over again. I was torn into pieces. The problem is that I am guilty of what I talked about above. My work WAS me. I created films to cope with these dark thoughts. In the creative process I was happy because I had a sense of release, an escape from the darkness of my mind. With COVID-19 work has been scarce and so this lingering anxiety and depression has eaten me alive for the last 6 months in the worst ways. I didn’t have my creative outlet to numb the pain. Things needed to change quick, because I was spiraling into a dark place I was at the breaking point to do anything to make this pain go away.

In the last 2 months I’ve started therapy and have changed habits to find fulfillment in myself. For my work to not be the only thing that defines me, but instead just a piece of my identity. I am now discovering the light at the end of the tunnel.

THE DIALOGUE NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW

Since 2016 the conversation about mental health has gotten better. People are opening up more and letting others know about what goes on in their mind. Seeking treatment is just a normal part of life now, it’s not this thing that “crazy” people do. Instead of just making art about how we feel, we need to also talk about it publicly. Not as a “feel sorry for me” card but to extend a hand out to those who keep this ill-fated disease inside of them and away from their friends, family, peers. This has got to change. I wish I had a solution to depression, anxiety or suicide but I don’t… I just know the starting line starts with an open dialogue and seeking help with either a therapist or counselor. It can’t be that we choose to only release these feelings through our art forms, it’s just a temporary fix. Once that art is out to the world you are back to the dark and crippling thoughts and feelings. This can’t last forever. I promise.

Create art to start a dialogue, and then use your voice to keep the conversation going. This isn’t going to go away anytime soon and we need to find a way to be there for everyone around us. Life is tough, but we need to talk about even our darkest thoughts to be able to form happy ones. Keep in touch with family and friends and truly ask how they are. I think you will find that once that person is comfortable with you, you will learn things you never knew went on. Just because they have a smile on their face, doesn’t mean that behind that smile is a face of hopelessness.

Be there.